TESTIMONY IN CHRIST

I grew up surrounded by Christianity, particularly the Catholic faith. I was baptised when I was a baby, I attended Catholic state schools and was loosely raised Catholic. In my middle-teens I had many questions which sadly were being left poorly answered or not at all. 

Religion was seen more and more by the younger generation as strange and unnecessary. These led to a deep frustration and resentment. I was consequently drawn towards the popular 'New Atheists' such as Christopher Hitchens, Dawkins etc and despite no longer believing in or ever truly understanding God, I blamed him for any and all dissatisfaction with myself, the direction of my life and of the world in general. I became a militant teenage atheist with scorn towards the mere humouring of the supernatural, the invisible, the spiritual. I could only understand the world and my relationship to it through a growing nihilistic sceptic's point of view. I looked down on religious people, I pitied them, I made fun of them, the entire time rejoicing in my own assumed intellectual superiority and enlightened modern "progressive" mindset.

Fast forward to my mid-20s I started to see the way this 'Oh my science' subjective moral project for real truth, goodness, meaning and fulfilment as doomed to fail. The world felt more divided and irrational, there was less scientific consensus, less freedom, less tolerance, all while those who I had reviled and scoffed at were the ones defending me, treating me like family and advocating for the type of world I wanted. 

I began to feel an incomprehensible pull, a deep longing for something greater than myself to guide and ground me. I decided to swallow my pride and slowly rediscover my old faith, listening to life-changing experiences of others reading the Bible, and the theologies of the early church fathers and the Doctors of the Catholic church. 

This eventually lead me to the most difficult step - approaching Jesus in prayer, asking God for understanding and forgiveness, and for another chance to know Him and what He wants of me, of all of us. I began to live like my actions have real eternal consequences. From this point on I began to experience terrible dreams over the course of a week where I was frequently surrounded by dark entities which would harm me and try to shame me for seeking out God. 

One night during a particularly terrifying spiritual attack I heard a serene yet powerful voice carried by a blast of wind over my shoulder, "Not this one" it said, and immediately all of these entities vanished. I experienced a quiet peace and lingering floral smell. After some research I discovered that this may have been Our Lady Mary but can't be sure. But my memories of trying to pray the rosary as a child with my grandmother suddenly came back to me. I was astonished to learn that the scent of roses was associated with her famous visitations and her assumption into heaven.

Not long after this my mother was admitted to Hospital due to some severe health complications involving her asthma. She was taken to intensive care but after 6-7 hours of being on a nebuliser taking powerful and reliable medication nothing was working. My dad had told me this over the phone, finally warning me that the doctors were extremely worried about her condition. I immediately got down on my knees and I began to ask Mother Mary for her intercessory prayer, and to Jesus directly asking Him to think of His own mother Mary and in doing so to graciously heal my own. Not even a minute later my Dad called me telling me that her condition had suddenly improved, and that she was breathing a lot better. Once I put the phone down I was in shock, but what followed was that same exact feeling from the dream, that still calm, not feeling as though I was the only person in the room. I enrolled in a local RCIA and from then I have begun to deepen my relationship with the Lord and have a strong reverence for Mother Mary.

Now through Christ I've began to understand my old nihilistic atheist beliefs of my teenage years. They were not actually hard-fought or well-studied truths of the world, nor had I found a new understanding of Christianity which everyone else was just too unintelligent to understand. 

Atheism was simply the first rebellious life raft I could grasp when I was struggling to understand God in a seemingly broken world. These ideas as a young person of disconnecting, the absence of meaning or a true purpose had resonated with me deeply due to the way I had suffered and I used atheism (which is also a belief but a belief in limitation) to shield myself from confronting emotionality, and the holy spirit. I believed that only through ourselves could we find peace, happiness and make the world better. 

Now it's clear that we cannot do it alone. Jesus Christ is 'the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE'. Everyone worships something, whether it is wealth, power, or influence, but to worship God is to be grounded in Him, morally and spiritually.

God is both the essence of all being and of love and we only find real love, happiness and peace by surrendering to His will, by following His example in Jesus Christ, shedding our egos and living the divine life of love.